How to Write E-mail that Sucks: An Incomplete Guide

Velkommen til besøkende ifra TDC Online!

E-mail is an essential part of the modern communications toolkit. If you want your e-mail messages to almost-but-not-quite-completely fail to live up to their potential, here are some tips you can follow at your own peril:

1. Don’t bother with a meaningful subject line. Don’t write a subject like “Here’s the contract information you asked for,” “Agenda for staff meeting,” or “I need you to review the attached document.” Write a subject line like “Hi!”, or “Wazzup?” Even better, leave it blank. People love mysteries.
2. Meander around for a while, telling some amusing anecdotes, or offering your thoughts on the performance of the team in the big game, or asking if the recipient saw Desperate Housewives last night, before getting to the point of your message.
3. email is informal, so, like, things like speling punctuation grammer and standard english usage dont matter, you know?
4. IF YOUR MESSAGE IS VERY IMPORTANT, PUT IT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOUR RECIPIENT WILL FEEL LIKE YOU’RE STANDING INCHES AWAY, SHOUTING, WITH YOUR SPITTLE SPLATTERING HIS OR HER FACE. BECAUSE YOU DO THAT IN REAL LIFE, DON’T YOU?
5. If you’re not sure how… I don’t know… maybe if you… those dot-dot-dot thingies… they’re called ellipses… anyway, you can use them instead of doing the work of figuring out the best way to say what you want to say.
6. Structure of any sort—paragraphs, bulleted lists, numbered lists, headings and subheadings—is overrated. Just dump everything into one big glob of text.
7. Throw in lots of big, obscure words like obfuscation, disintermediation, and penultimate. Big words are a great way impress—nay, intimidate—people with your smartness. And they’re a lot less likely to question you if they can’t figure out what the hell it is you’re saying.
8. If you’re replying to a number of questions, be sure to answer only a few of them. Leave the rest for people to figure out on their own. It’s good for them, the lazy slackers.
   

Your turn, dear readers. What are your favorite ingredients for sucky e-mails?

Comments

[Faraz]

Make sure every e-mail you send is sent as "High Priority" so people know to read them. And while you're at it, make the subject in ALL CAPS as well just to emphasize how important your message is. Do this every time, so that the recipient knows how superior you truly are.

[Roy Jacobsen]

Oh, that's a good one! Thanks!

[John Willemse]

Another great tip: use a multi-color animated manga GIF background, preferably leaving your message intelligible, in order to show your üBerHaXor skills.

[Atifa]

Make sure to add anyone and everyone on the To: line. People like receiving emails that have absolutely nothing to do with them. Nobody likes feeling less important and knowing they don’t have to respond by being placed on the CC: line or being left out all together.

[Liz Strauss]

I do so love this post. Please, please, please, when you forward me one of the silly email jokes that isn't funny and that I don't have time to read, please leave in every header from every previous person who forwarded it so that I have to scroll down forever and ever.

[Julie]

Please use "Reply All" for company-wide e-mails and appointments so that we can all get more e-mail. It's fun for everyone to know that your telephone isn't working or that you can't attend the company picnic next week.

[Jacek]

Also make sure that there is at least 50MBs of some nice pictures attached.

[Victor]

Ow, and please do not hold back from adding my email address to your 'hot potato' email chain broadcasts that, so positively, indicate I will die an horrible death if I do not forward the amateurish and superstitious email that wishes ‘good health’ upon its recipients to at least 15 of my friends today. I do so enjoy the follow up, Viagra at 15% off emails, that are triggered as a result of your thoughtful and unselfish actions.

[Roy Jacobsen]

I've obviously touched a nerve with this post. I love the suggestions you all are adding, and I'll update the PDF with these.

Thank you, Victor, Jacek, Julie, Liz, Atifa, John, and Faraz! You rock!

[ten]

What's the option salutation for an e mail to your customers who are students / parents ?

[Roy Jacobsen]

Ten,
I'd want a bit more background before answering that, because it depends on a few factors.

For example:
Are the customers a mix of students and parents?
Is this a mass-mailing, or are you writing to one individual?
Have you ever met these customers in person, or has the relationship been a bit more impersonal?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with these customers?

With a bit more information, I'd feel more confident in offering some advice.